So Im almost done being pregnant and so ready to be skinny.  I have hit over 200 pounds and I hate it, obviously...

I dunno if I told you all already Im having a girl, and yeah. Shes due November 20th. 

I am lucky so far to not have strech marks on my stomach but they are all over my ass and down the back and sides of  my thigh. Theres nothing I can really do about it now, so I just deal with it and keep eating. 

I eat alot of food, and one concern is that when Im not pregnant, that I wont be able to eat the amount I used to eat, not quite as small maybe becasue Im breastfeeding, but not as much as I eat now.  For example, for breakfast, if I ate it, I would eat maybe a banana or half of a bagel. Now I eat a whole bagel, a banana, a large glass of oj, a glass of strawberry milk, 3 eggs with veggies, and 3 pieces of bacon.  Thats great that Im eating, but thats just my 9 oclock breakfast.  I eat another full meal at 11, 1, 3, 5 or 6, and 9.  Sometimes I eat a snack at 11pm because I dont eat in the middle of the night so I need to make sure I dont get sick but, I eat alot.  I'll post a belly pic probably tomorrow, no Im lying, if I dont do it now, I wont do it... well see.

I hope everyone is doing well, and be happy. When I think about my baby, I would never want her to have an ed, but at least I understand how it can happen and might be able to help.

Im thinking pretty strongly about channeling some of my obsessive thoughts to a good medium. So I guess to say maybe become obsessive about a certain thing so the whole world wont collapse. I kinda have a mild form I guess, but I dont try to inhibit it, I just deal if things are not how they are supposed to be. For example, when a cup is set on the table that has cold liquid in it, I have to set the cup back down on that exact same condensation circle. And when I drink from that cup I have to check the rim to make sure its clean and I can only drink from one spot that has all my chapstick and lip marks on. When David drinks from my glass I have to check to see if he touched my spot and if he did then I have to make a new spot and if he didnt I continue drinking from my spot. Its not a big deal and if I dont check its not a big deal and most of the time I dont really care but why not make sure I do it again.

I guess this doesnt really make sense because Im not explaining well. I want to become a clean freak in my house, mostly make sure things are put in their place and facing the right way and all in order all the time. My superficial consequence I know will not happen but can probably convince myself that it will, is that David will be mad at me and not love me and leave me. This is a really big challenge because I am a mess, and Im not just saying that because things are not in their place but really a mess, a moldy watermelon has been sitting on the table for 5 days I have not taken to the trash and there are water marks on the table I know will probably stain it but I am too lazy, The dishes which is my most hated enemy stay there for 2 to 3 weeks at a time. Lastly the most irritating thing: you know when you go to a public bathroom and sometimes theres pee on the floor and you dont want to go in there or look at it and make sure your pants dont get in it while you hover over the nasty toilet that you assume has all the grosses HIV and chlamydia germs all over it from the fat people, well my bathroom is probably worse and I dont care and I dont know when the last time I cleaned it and it is just so gross.

David asks me to clean one thing every day, something that takes like 30 minutes and I usually dont do it. He asked me to do laundry last weekend and it took me 3 days, to do 4 loads and he had to finish the rest of the blankets and all the clothes are all over the loveseat. He asked to to fold them, which I did, and it took 45 minutes but they are all still on the sofa in neat perfectly folded piles organized very well, but the house still looks like a mess. I tell him when I wake up I think of all the things I can clean but I dont want to wake him up me up at 8 and him up at 12. He said he would probably cry of joy if he was woken up by hearing me clean.

So Im going to do it, why not? Living in a clean house is not a bad thing. David would be happy and when baby comes the house has to be clean and pretty sanitary for him/her.

My plan: over the next 2 weeks, inhibit my obsessive thoughts and dont stop until the little things are right (like the glass on that circle, make it perfectly on the circle). And in two weeks, I should be able to be so uncomfortable with certain things in the house that if I didnt clean them already the first morning I wake up and Im not working anymore I am going to just do it. Its going to be worse than spring cleaning. Im excited.

Babys hungry, gotta go.
-Nae

so i've been gone quite awhile. I've just been reading posts over the past few days commenting on one or two.
I am deleting myself from these communities because i'm tired of hearing drama from 16yo about their stupid childish lives. 'my mom won't let me starve myself, I hate my boyfriend he said i'm fat, I work in a fast food restaurant and I can't figure out why I binge'. They post like 6 times a day about nothing. I'm done with commu ities. I love just my friend filter because I get to see how you are all doing and I know there's drama but I feel there's a history so when someone says I finally spoke to my mom about stuff I really feel you and care about it.
So i'm about 17 weeks pregnant now and the baby is doing well. I went from 142 just before getting pregnant about to go on a diet but didn't to now 159. I'm so huge but that's just what I have to be for a while I got my first pregnancy stretch marks under my butt on my legs and I cried. I have them on my butt but what if these keep getting longer to the back of my knees then to my ankles. So unrealistic but possible in my mind.
I feel my baby moving and it's neat. I'm so happy.
I will hopefully stay here awhile but not really about food moreso me and my life now.
Oh I quit work and my last day is the 18th. I need a break from kids and the 10 2 year olds are not cute anymore haha. I will miss them though

Love Nae

i changed my icon, yeah

128.0 finally again. I was real sick yesterday from drinking Friday night and my father person calling me. I hate when he calls me b/c It completely turns my world upside down and I cant focus on anything else. I am kinda ok with it now kuz myt sister went to seehim in Chicago and took a few pixes and he looks the exact same when I last saw him when I was 12. we look the exact same. Its kinda wierd.

Whatever. Im tired. Yesterday and Saturday I felt skinny kuz I felt empty. This morning I felt real fat kuz it was my "DAY" and it is without any birth control pills so it hurts and I guess Im bloated and all that crap. I hate it.

Yeah. dont feel too happy like always. Im starting to take my depression meds for 2 weeks so I can quit smoking then stop so hopefully it will work. No baby while smoking a ciggy.

-Nae

At work all day today. I woke up at 129.0 so finally back in the 120's. Today so far I ate one packet of oatmeal and 6 bites of a meatball sandwich. David is home so he will probably want me to eat dinner with him. We will see how that goes.

Today is my 4 year anniversary.

I feel like shit

I dont want to be at work but my boss is making me stay

My tummy hurts still from like over a week

Why the fuck do 'ana/mia's" LOVE starbucks? You know if you get one coffee anything, that is your daily calories. STOP IT!!!!!!! Maybe b/c I hate starbucks so you should too.

I took 2 energy shots already and they arent working
 
David hasnt slept in the past three nights. He stays awake and gets no more than 3 hours a night combined

I got him a big screen tv for our anniversary. He's happy

I told my mom I have a surprise  to tell her and she said I was pregnant and was happy and excited. I told her no but Im trying. She said Im too young and I should finish school before I think about that. Complete opposites for similar situation. She approves if I want one though.

128.0 today. Ate one pear and 2 oatmeal packets today.

I just want to go home and sleep, I feel like crap.

Fuck off. -Nae

My computer hasnt let me update at all. I justfigured out nothing has been posted.
The person who's job I am doing at Mid City has decided to come back and take over everything I have done. Fucking bitch. She is pissing me off and Ididnt go to work on Friday becasue we had Dealer Validation at Honda and the fucking bitch was trying to tell me where things are and what I should eb doing and looking for. She fucken disorganized my whole thing and made me look really unprepared. So The boss is going to make a new job for me so that fucking bitch can have her old stupid job back and I can do my work from work and home and school. Its the Internet Leads Consultant and basically Ill sell cars through the internet.

Me and Dave are talking again about having a baby. I have an appointment set up to talk to a doctor about what things we should be doing and keeping in mind before we do thins and what things we should be doing to keep ourselves healthy for the baby. So yeah, Im having a baby.
Lets see if this posts. Love you ladies.

Im 129 today and 136 yesterday. No food man Nae a small girl.  

Sweet, I am on another computer and my notes are all still here. Lets hope it posts today. I hope everyone is doing well. I miss you and love you and i have been reading your posts. 
-Nae

Food wize, I did really well today, probably due to the fact that I am at the hight of my sick stage.  For breakfast I had 1 slice of toast w/ pb. Lunch, I had 3 forks of salad w/ walnuts, and realized Im not hungry AND shouldnt be eating. For dinner I ate a piece for 90 cal chicken breast and some 1/2 cup of rice and beans.  I am really proud of myself today. I havent eaten so little in a long time.  I almost told David how much I actually weigh today.  I told him I am 134 and he said your losing weight again? like really upset kinda. I told him no that Im eating alot and heavy stuff but he still got pretty upset. I am really still 132.0 and tomorrow I will be less as long as I dont eat anything else.  Dave wants chicken wings right now thought.

I was really bored at work today. I lost my insurance b/c Im not working full time hours becasue of school and tons of doctor visits.  I now have to work Saturday and Sunday to get it back.  That sucks becasue I dont have any time at all to study.

I dont really know what else to write. Im kinda tired, but Im at the bar drinkin beers. Guess Ill chat later.

-Nae

I got my computer yesterday, and I'm trying to learn how vista works.  Ill read, respond, and catch up with all of you later k lovlies...
-Nae

Alrighty, school started this week. Not as bad as I expected. Still lots of classes and tons of reading assignments, but I think its kool. Couple of things, I am getting my laptop on Friday. So I can chat all day if I want with everyone. I have felt really horrible not replying to anyone or reading all of the posts, I mostly skim read and I feel bad.

I am getting my tattoo redone. The ink didnt stay kuz Im dark, and the new guy is doing it with organic ink. We did one rose to see if it will stay, and if so, just do the whole thing. He changed the colors on teh rose from red and orange and yellow to dk red, red, dk pink, lt pink, yellow and white. (I think yellow, maybe not, cant really see) So when the skin dries Ill show you a pix of the old rose and the new rose side by side, kuz its on my back that way. Im excited. Doing that tatto was really good for me stress wise, I was really upset with the David thing and then Monday, I go in and sit on a table and make someone hurt me. I liked it and didnt like it at the same time. I think it got me over the bad thing I did to David. He hasnt said anything else by the way.

lol, the funniest thing the other night  (ok 7:15, got to hurry) Dave detailed his car and came home real late, like 11. I was of course sleeping, and I guess he tried to talk to me and kinda woke me up. Then like 5 minutes later I jump out of bed, and hes not there, so I go in the living room, I gotta pee anyways, and he jumps off of the couch with his pants down to his ankles with the lotion. I guess I interuppted him uh hum-ing.  It was so funny.  What was even funnier, he stayed out there for 20 more minutes watching some porn show on tv, and then came to bed like nothing happened. He must have the shortest memory.  Yesterday we went to the store and a huge massager looking kinda dildo-y was sitting on the shelf and he said "Oh, now thats what you need..." I said "No, thats what YOU need." He kinda laughed, but it was so funny.

I think thats it, 7:20, not even dressed to leave in 10 minutes. See how much I love you ladies.

Oh yeah, Im 132.0 aws of 2 days ago. DOnt want to weight myself b/c I know Im eating after 2 p.m. and mostly after 7 when Dave gets home. It doesnt have enough time to get out of me. Bought some laxes to help and a real woman's multi-vitamin. Has calcium, iron, and b-12, mostly what i need. And its chewable. Loves it.

Love you ladies too. -Nae

Breakfast: 1 yogurt (100) 1 special K bar (90)
Lunch: 1/2 cp brown rice and 2 oz of mahi mahi fish 1/4 cp blackberry cobbler, no sugar, homemade.
I wasnt hungry, I was 132.0 at 5 p.m. and I knew I would lose weight for tomorrow, but since David came home from work early to go camping, I had to eat dinner, ITS FUCKING 9P.M.  I had a large utensil spoon full of rice, spread it around, probaby about 1/4 cp, and .5 oz of mahi mahi again.
I really wasnt hungry. I hope he doesnt make me eat alot offood this weekend. He keeps commenting on how light I am, how skinny I am, that Im all ass and no stomach, etc. Its good to hear,and Im glad he thinks I look good, but I still cant tell him Im still losing. I drank a bunch of water before I ate, so I only ate what I had to while he was here.

Trying to type real fast before he gets home from his friends house to go camping with us. We have some really healthy foods for camping, so it should be good. Im glad the food he made me eat was healthy, I just really didnt want it. I think Im good eating a little bit early in the morning, then about 3 or 4, eat a meal, normal to small size, and then Im good for the rest of the day. As long as I stay out of the kitchen at 10 at night, or something. No real cravings or anything. Ive been taking a multivitamin. Its so awesome to not crave foods and especially bad ones. OK, got to go. <3's you all. Keep your good work going. -Nae

I stood on the scale, it said 129.5, then in a blink, didnt have time to register, it said 131.0.  I think I should say 129, but Ill be honest and say 131.  Makes me want to work so much harder to actually get to the 120's.  Didn't actually realize how much I actually lost. People tell me I lost alot, but of course I don't think so.

 

My head is just banging and I am so weak. I sat down in the shower. Blah.  I am happy though. I am going to make it through today and do a full 24 hour fast.  Aside from the berries and triscuit yesterday, I havent eaten anything since 11:00 yesterday. At 12:00 I am going to have my 60 cal soup and thats it. Shitty b/c an Honda Rep from out of town is coming here today and he wants to "work late over dinner" Shitty. He wants PIZZA. A long time ago he planned on having pizza with me and I made a huge deal about having a specific type of pizza, and now he has made it a point to remember what it is and buy me my own pizza. Can I dig myself into a grave any further?? Maybe Ill have him get me a salad if I HAVE to give in.  Im only thinking that I am still pretty weak when it comes to foods, so I dont want to just sit there and watch them eat. 

I told Dave I was hungry to make me something and I was on my way home, just after leaving work telling you all that I am not eating for 2 more hours.  I told him nevermind and that I cant eat yet, and he was trying to figure out what I had eaten all day. Huge lies. I hate lying to him. He gives me food to take to work, my desk is so full now, its unbelievable. Anywaze, So I went home gave him his Ipod, and he gave me a snack baggie with cucumber, cheese and sliced ham. It was about 210 cals or so. I took it and looked at it for the whole car ride. I shoved it in my purse, and put it in the fridge when I got home from my appt at 4. The only thing David seems to understand is taht there are certain things I cant eat. So Ill make sure to buy them for him, and when I cant eat he understands. He will make me something else though, but leaves before I have to eat it. I hate throwing all the food away. Just b/c I cant eat it doesnt mean no one else can. My dog is getting fat already from people food. Since Im at work all day, and my desk is full of food, I tend to open it and think about what I want to eat. Look at he back and make myself put it down. I cant do that forever though. I need to get this shit out of my desk TODAY. 

My physical therapy appt was yesterday. The woman didnt really do anything but feel my back, like everywhere.  And have me do different positions to see what my back does. And it wasnt a big deal. I would tell her 'I kinda feel it but not too bad' or 'that is where it always hurts'  It wasnt a big deal. When I got up to get dressed, I walked out to the front. I was talking to her, and the pain was unbearable. I dont get how she hurt me without doing very much.  So I took some meds, and it didnt help, I dont have anymore so I have to wait until later today for a refill. Last night I couldnt sleep it hurt so much. When I did finally sleep, I woke up really earlywith horrible pain. It is just hurting all day now. I cant believe how much it hurts.  I have 3 appts for next week, so Im going to be real fucked up on drugs I guess. I hope. I cant do work and this pain. 

So what happened was I have about 3 or 4 overlaying accidents that have occured. There is a specific disk in my back that is hurt.  All the muscles around it are doing their own assigned job AND extra work of keeping the joint still so it doesnt move and hurt. Kinda like protecting it. So when something happens like I walk uphill, somewhere else on my back hurts b/c the muscles werent there to support me and my body has learned to move differently to adjust to the disk.  Other places are hurting alot more b/c of the one disk. They need to relax all of my muscles, find the actual ORIGINAL problem, and try to retrain the muscles to do their assigned job and strengthen all of them to work correctly. Mainly I need muscle strength. She said I guess your back has its own curvature, and it usually stays pretty consistent, and in different positions it has a whole new curvature around the disk in my back that hurts. My body is smart. Awesome, but now its going to really hurt to fix it, but when they are done, I wont have any more back issues. SWEET

I know it is alot, but this is the most I can eat all day, nothing else:

Lipton Pure Leaf Iced Tea 60/ 8 oz (2 servings)
2  1 special K bars 90 each
1 apricot 17
1 plum 30
15 triscuits 130
5 (110 each cube :..(  ) 4 1" cubes of cheese 550 (maybe)
4 oz applesauce ~86

Without the rest of the cheese, daily intake: 
Already had: 167
Without applesauce and rest of the cheese: 527
Total Allowed Cals: 1113

Damn, cheese is alot of calories. I usually bring the applesauce, and I dont eat it, so I really dont think Ill eat it. Damn, I really want cheese though. I should ahve bought low-fat or something. I didnt even think about it. 

Yesterday I ate chilli  (120) with cheese(300) and Sour cream (40), for dinner and earlier in the day I had:
Chinese food (500 Im guessing I only had one plate, mostly chowmein and different chicken). I wasnt going to put this b/c I feel really guilty, a medium size vanilla icecream cone dippied in chocolate (lets say 250). I also had one the day before. The day before I had 1/2 bowl of oatmeal (80) 1 ramen noodles with lots of broth (300) and 1/2 a chx breast (90/2) and 1/2 cup smashed taters (200). So Tuesday, I had 875, Wednesday, I had 1210, and Im pissed b/c I am staying at 134.

No wonder Im not getting thinner. I am staying at 133 now. I was 134, yesterday i was 133, and now today I am 133.5.  I really need to start tracking my calorie intake again. I can not really see how much I am eating unless I write it down. I didnt even think It was that much. Its wierd, b/c so many people commented on how good I looked yesterday, like 4 more people said it after I posted too. I just dont get it.

I finally spoke to my brother. He usually hangs up on me on accident when I call and doesnt call me back. We are like best friends kinda. He got a DUI and wrecked his car and could have seriously died. He was in jail for 2 weeks, he gets off of house arrest today (has been for 3 months) and he has community service left to do. He said from not drinking he has lost some weight. And I was like, that s good, what are you eating? Asshole said he just had a large German Chocolate Cake for the past 2 days for breakfast, and Dinner, and Burger King or Jack in the Box for lunch. He said he has been eating more since he has stopped drinking and is losing weight. I knew it wasnt only me that can eat anything and not gain. Its wierd. I was really happy to talk to him though. He lives in Az. Oh crap, gotta go, bosses are coming over.

Its evening and Im about to go home from work. I only ate half of my pband h sandwich and nothing else. I think Ill eat the rest with my meds. I dunno what I want if I want anything at all. Im not really hungry. My tummy was making noise earlier, but its not hungry, just empty.  

Someone told me my arm looks skinny. I said I guess. When people start to notice Im losing weight, what should I say? Im on a diet... and then what kind? Oh, I guess, I dont know, Ive been really busy... I guess these clothes look slim on me... What do you all say?
I want to just scream out Ive lost 10 pounds assholes, dont you see it? Im skinnier. But I cant and dont want people to talk about me more than they already do.  I cant stop staring at myself. I find myself holding my tummy in tight all day, kinda unnoticably.  I used to do that in hs with some girlfirends of mine, but stopped.  I think its to make me kool and feel skinny, but also, becasue my tummy is empty and Im hungry.  I have so much hw to do tonight since class is over on thursday, but I really dont feel like doing it. I just want to relax and chill. If I do, Ill be so busy tomorrow night and I know I dont want to do it all then. We will se how much I get done today.  Work was alright. People like my jacket. It makes my waist small and my ass big, loves it. 

I guess Ill go not. I gotta start closing up and stuff. -Nae